They stay the same. Or at least, that’s how the saying goes. I’ve gone through a bit of a transformation through these past couple of years going from the quiet girl to the kid everybody (well almost everybody)knew in school and then going back to the quiet kid; suffice it to say, both roles has it’s advantages and disadvantages. But through these past couple of months, I’ve found myself knowing which way I needed to turn and where I needed to steer myself to accomplish the goals that I set for myself.
Yet, I find myself in the same situation which drew me into wanting to become this new and improved person. I've noticed on this journey that I gained and lost friends, matured a little, grew 3 inches and gained 6 whole freakin' pounds! (YAY!!!) Yet as my morale compass turns to what it once was, I find myself with a handful REAL friends. The people of whom I count as my real friends could probably be counted on a pair of hands. And those friends I only get to spend time a little quality time with (and school doesn't count!)I was wondering what’s the point of having an invisible/imaginary friend? They can't help you if you got hit by a bus! What are they going to do? Give you a invisible band-aid?
I wonder if it was a fairy tale, about there actually being people out there whom you can depend, trust and love unconditionally. And even some members of my family bring that sentiment into doubt.
I love my fellow friends, through thick and thin, but it can be really depressing facing the reality of everybody adapting such a cold shoulder to one another, for the fun of bumping into each other, on purpose. Anyway,one long, confusing metaphor done, and so is my rant for this week!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
"Jammed"
I think it’s amazing how much a person can impact our lives and not even be aware of it. I think it must be the best feeling in the world to know that you’ve been such an inspiration to someone, that you made a difference. Or how the most insignificant of moments are stored in the deepest compartments and chest of memories, probably forever. Like this time I was in preschool and we were having our "teabreak". The teacher was circulating each table with a tray of jam sandwiches. I remember the sandwiches looking really good what with the jam oozing from the sides and I helped myself to a piece. It tasted pretty bland. The bread wasn’t as soft as I imagined it to be, jam not the right amount of sweet. When the teacher came the second time round and offered me another piece; I took it. Till today I dunno why I did because I had the hardest time trying to finish that second piece.
It’s silly, really but perhaps a lesson in disguise? Like how I shouldn’t judge something just by its looks. Or that greed is bad but, I know these things. Maybe I was afraid of upsetting her. Helping others at the expense of yourself is noble and all that jazz but, sometimes when I look back I ask myself if it was worth it. Maybe this is telling me to stop dwelling on the past. I can’t help but wish I could relive those carefree and conflict-free moments when my inbox used to be filled to the brim with texts from the closest of friends, and there were phone calls at the strangest of times for the longest time. I miss the familiar. This is familiar but it’s a new kind of familiar.
Truth is that things change, people change. Isn’t that such a horrible word.? Change. . I was once told that friends are forever but really, I don’t think anything is anymore. Cause that’s just too vague a word.
And I guess maybe what this is trying say is that I look into things way too much. I mean, it was just a jam sandwich for gosh sakes!!!
It’s silly, really but perhaps a lesson in disguise? Like how I shouldn’t judge something just by its looks. Or that greed is bad but, I know these things. Maybe I was afraid of upsetting her. Helping others at the expense of yourself is noble and all that jazz but, sometimes when I look back I ask myself if it was worth it. Maybe this is telling me to stop dwelling on the past. I can’t help but wish I could relive those carefree and conflict-free moments when my inbox used to be filled to the brim with texts from the closest of friends, and there were phone calls at the strangest of times for the longest time. I miss the familiar. This is familiar but it’s a new kind of familiar.
Truth is that things change, people change. Isn’t that such a horrible word.? Change. . I was once told that friends are forever but really, I don’t think anything is anymore. Cause that’s just too vague a word.
And I guess maybe what this is trying say is that I look into things way too much. I mean, it was just a jam sandwich for gosh sakes!!!
Rainy Days
I hate rain. As a kid, I thought it was freakin’ awesome. I have no idea why. I like gloomy, gray skies. But rain can suck it. Especially on a day when I have school, and it rains super hard. Then my bag/backpack gets wet, which makes the content inside it wet. It would just ruin my day if anything I was carrying around got wet. I use everything I carry. If I wanted something to get wet, I would shower with it. Then there’s always that unavoidable puddle I have to step on in order to get where I’m going. There are a few that I can get away with stepping on and the result not being so bad. Then there are those that look like they’re okay puddles, but then you step on them and BAM! You can feel the water in your socks, moving around between your toes. So nasty. If this happens in the morning, you’re pretty much stuck with wet, squeaky shoes the rest of the day. Such an uncomfortable feeling. And the way it smells inside the bus when people are soaking wet, or at least have wet hair or sweaters from the rain… EW. If I don’t have an umbrella on me, I can guarantee that my hair will get wet and frizzy too. I hate that soooo much! It’s annoying. Takes me so long to unfrizz my hair sometimes, and then it just gets ruined by the stupid rain. Well, that is my rant for today. Thank you.
Some Days
Life just seems to be moving forward, at such a slow, yet quick pace, without me - in a direction I hadn’t ever envisioned.
I’m not sad though, don’t get me wrong…I’ve just been thinking.
My mind is always going…over and over about the things that were or could have been. The places I’ve been or could have gone. The things I’ve done, or had the oppurtunity to do. The things I’ve said, or didn’t say. All these scenarios, all these choices - good and bad, happy and sad, painful yet needed (or so I thought at the time). One by one, they invade my mind - constant thoughts of the past still haunting my every being, in this present time.
If you knew me before, you’d see the growth. I am not at all the same person I was years ago. I’d like to say I’ve matured - learned to take things in stride, living each day as it happened.
But sometimes…just sometimes…like some horrible case of deja-vu, I feel like that scared little girl all over again - so afraid of the unknown - so afraid of what lies ahead. I know that nothing is guaranteed. Life is definitely what you make it. Its not about making the right choices - instead its about sometimes making the wrong choices, then learning from each one for future reference.
I guess I just don’t know what’s out there for me. I want to make my place in this world doing the only thing that’s ever made sense to me. I’m not getting any younger. I know ill have to make due with the hand that I’ve been dealt. The choices I’ve made have definitely played a huge part into where I am today. Life goes on…whether I want to put it on hold, or not. Things happen that sometimes we have no control over. But I just try to remember that although we cannot control what happens, we can always control what to do with the situation presented.
I need a muse - some sort of inspiration, but I don’t want to search. Inspiration is best when its unexpected.
I’m not complaining though. I’m just saying…there is a story of struggle behind every success story..and mine will definitely be one hell of a story to tell.
Even if everything I write never gets acknowledged…I don’t think that what I want is about that. I write because its my way of releasing and escaping, the best way I know that provides me with the most serenity. For all I know, there are always the same 2 or 3 people who even care to read what I write. And that’s fine. So long as 1, just ONE person can take something…anything…from what I’m writing.
I want to surround myself with people who are passionate - who can hopefully inspire me with their drive and ambitions.
For now, ill take each day with a grain of salt…little by little…in baby steps.
Good things come to those who wait.And my time is definitely coming.
I’m not sad though, don’t get me wrong…I’ve just been thinking.
My mind is always going…over and over about the things that were or could have been. The places I’ve been or could have gone. The things I’ve done, or had the oppurtunity to do. The things I’ve said, or didn’t say. All these scenarios, all these choices - good and bad, happy and sad, painful yet needed (or so I thought at the time). One by one, they invade my mind - constant thoughts of the past still haunting my every being, in this present time.
If you knew me before, you’d see the growth. I am not at all the same person I was years ago. I’d like to say I’ve matured - learned to take things in stride, living each day as it happened.
But sometimes…just sometimes…like some horrible case of deja-vu, I feel like that scared little girl all over again - so afraid of the unknown - so afraid of what lies ahead. I know that nothing is guaranteed. Life is definitely what you make it. Its not about making the right choices - instead its about sometimes making the wrong choices, then learning from each one for future reference.
I guess I just don’t know what’s out there for me. I want to make my place in this world doing the only thing that’s ever made sense to me. I’m not getting any younger. I know ill have to make due with the hand that I’ve been dealt. The choices I’ve made have definitely played a huge part into where I am today. Life goes on…whether I want to put it on hold, or not. Things happen that sometimes we have no control over. But I just try to remember that although we cannot control what happens, we can always control what to do with the situation presented.
I need a muse - some sort of inspiration, but I don’t want to search. Inspiration is best when its unexpected.
I’m not complaining though. I’m just saying…there is a story of struggle behind every success story..and mine will definitely be one hell of a story to tell.
Even if everything I write never gets acknowledged…I don’t think that what I want is about that. I write because its my way of releasing and escaping, the best way I know that provides me with the most serenity. For all I know, there are always the same 2 or 3 people who even care to read what I write. And that’s fine. So long as 1, just ONE person can take something…anything…from what I’m writing.
I want to surround myself with people who are passionate - who can hopefully inspire me with their drive and ambitions.
For now, ill take each day with a grain of salt…little by little…in baby steps.
Good things come to those who wait.And my time is definitely coming.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
My Apology
How do I tell you I'm sorry
-With a gesture, a look, a touch?
How is it I never realized,I hurt you so very much?
I do not ask forgiveness
A comfort I'll never deserve.I merely want to let you know,but I cannot find the nerve.
To finally confront you, face-to-face,to look you in the eye,to face your wrath,
Too terrified to try.
You called me selfish, I turned away,I festered and I fled
Cutting and wounding and lashing out,just to see if you bled.
Betraying and deceiving you,I surely had no right to snatch away such, a precious gem like a thief in the night.
Four years and forever passed,to bring us to this day.
When I present these simple words I never thought to say.
The time has come, it's long past due.
To put aside my fear;Would this confession torture you,or have you longed to hear?
To hear those two forbidden words,
To vanquish all the pain,
To understand my dearest wish:
To know you once again.
The years aged me remarkably,
Though they have not made me very wise.... For that I APOLOGIZE!!!
-With a gesture, a look, a touch?
How is it I never realized,I hurt you so very much?
I do not ask forgiveness
A comfort I'll never deserve.I merely want to let you know,but I cannot find the nerve.
To finally confront you, face-to-face,to look you in the eye,to face your wrath,
Too terrified to try.
You called me selfish, I turned away,I festered and I fled
Cutting and wounding and lashing out,just to see if you bled.
Betraying and deceiving you,I surely had no right to snatch away such, a precious gem like a thief in the night.
Four years and forever passed,to bring us to this day.
When I present these simple words I never thought to say.
The time has come, it's long past due.
To put aside my fear;Would this confession torture you,or have you longed to hear?
To hear those two forbidden words,
To vanquish all the pain,
To understand my dearest wish:
To know you once again.
The years aged me remarkably,
Though they have not made me very wise.... For that I APOLOGIZE!!!
Monday, March 2, 2009
I LUVS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I'm sitting at home with nothing else to do, I start to write. I especially write poetry. So here's a little something that I wrote at 5:12 in the morning!
I LUVS YOU
I never really knew you
You were just another friend.
But when I got to know you,I let my heart unbend.
I couldn't help past memories that would only make me cry.
I had to forget my first love and give love another try.
So I've fallen in love with you and I'll never let you go.
I love you more than anyone just had to let you know.
And if you ever wonder why don't know what I'll say.
But I'll never stop loving you each and every day
My feelings for you will never change
Just know my feelings are true Just remember one thing... I Love You!
I LUVS YOU
I never really knew you
You were just another friend.
But when I got to know you,I let my heart unbend.
I couldn't help past memories that would only make me cry.
I had to forget my first love and give love another try.
So I've fallen in love with you and I'll never let you go.
I love you more than anyone just had to let you know.
And if you ever wonder why don't know what I'll say.
But I'll never stop loving you each and every day
My feelings for you will never change
Just know my feelings are true Just remember one thing... I Love You!
Down on His Luck
Saturday I went to a Kroger but I didn't go inside. We had my baby cousin Samuel with us so I waited outside. A gentleman wearing a blue parka coat like the one my dad probably had back in the seventies came walking up the side walk. He had gray hair and a gray beard and looked to be in his mid sixties. He was carrying a plastic bag. I think he would have walked right by but we made eye contact and he stopped to chat. Samuel is a some what good baby boy and he's very sensitive. He didn't cry or act up at all, so I knew this man was a good guy.
The gentleman told me he was down on his luck. He'd been living in the woods for months now. He didn't ask me for money but the hint was in the air. Briefly I paused and thought to myself how lucky I am. This man had heart. He told me about his journey through life. He had been in the United States Air force for a dozen years and worked as a top-notch aircraft mechanic. He had been married but his wife died and he turned to booze. I felt horrible, I just wanted to fade away. He liked Sam, he was making him laugh hysterically . Sammy is a very cranky baby! You'd have to have nerves of steel to reach in my window and tickle him. After we talked we shook hands and he went on his way. I had my mom's credit card but I didn't have a dollar on me. As soon as my family came out I headed for the nearest money machine I could find. I swear for cheese, we drove around for a half an hour trying to find the guy but I had no luck. Sometimes life can be pathetic. With the economy failing the way it is, we all need to work together and help each other out. If we don't we are all doomed.
The gentleman told me he was down on his luck. He'd been living in the woods for months now. He didn't ask me for money but the hint was in the air. Briefly I paused and thought to myself how lucky I am. This man had heart. He told me about his journey through life. He had been in the United States Air force for a dozen years and worked as a top-notch aircraft mechanic. He had been married but his wife died and he turned to booze. I felt horrible, I just wanted to fade away. He liked Sam, he was making him laugh hysterically . Sammy is a very cranky baby! You'd have to have nerves of steel to reach in my window and tickle him. After we talked we shook hands and he went on his way. I had my mom's credit card but I didn't have a dollar on me. As soon as my family came out I headed for the nearest money machine I could find. I swear for cheese, we drove around for a half an hour trying to find the guy but I had no luck. Sometimes life can be pathetic. With the economy failing the way it is, we all need to work together and help each other out. If we don't we are all doomed.
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