OMG! I was just sitting here thinking of a good topic to write about when my whole body became depressed. I am realizing that the school year is coming to a close. In a couple more weeks summer time will be here. I know somebody will probably think I'm slow for saying this but I don't want summer to be here yet! I'm not quite ready. I really don't want the school year to end. I just have a feeling that this summer is gonna S-U-C-K something terrible. Well I might be exagerating just a tad but I know for a fact that this won't be the best summer for me.
People tell me to have a positive attitude when I feel this way. I try to take their advice, I really do. Its just when I try to not think about it or when I try to stay postive, it makes me think about it more and more. I'm not understanding why I do this. You already know that I'm still trying to figure myself out so DON'T JUDGE ME!!!!!lol
Back to what I was saying before, I wish that this summer will be filled with all of my friends, and fun stuff. I could write a whole book on all of the things that I want to do. I definitely know that half of those things I never will do. IDK, when summer time comes rolling around, I'm gonna be one sad teeenage girl!!!!!!!
Monday, April 27, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
My Random Outpouring of Thoughts
So I was thinking today, why is it so hard for me to become vulnerable with people? Why do I have such problems opening up and letting people see the real me? Is it fear, or what? I’m not sure, what it is that I don’t want people to see? What am I hiding? Am I hiding the fact that I’m an actual human being with thoughts and feelings and emotions and not just some brick wall with none of these things. Brick walls aren’t very personable. They aren’t very caring or loving. They just stand there and over time they get weaker and weaker. Eventually, well after many years, they begin to deteriorate and crumble. If I remain a brick wall, how long will it be before I finally crumble? Will I crumble? Of course I will that is the effect of time on brick.
It just happens, there really isn’t much a person can do about it, but that’s how it is. That’s how nature works. But how does one find balance in being open and vulnerable and guarding their heart. I’m fearful that people won’t accept who I really am. I’m afraid that they won’t like me and i’ll be alone with 27 cats and a parot all my life. Isn’t that ironic because if I never show who I really am, then how will anyone get to really know me? How will my relationships be anything more than shallow? It’s impossible. I wish that I could address the lie that has me so scared and so pent up in my own world. The lie that caused the cement in this wall to harden. The thing is that even though it is so instilled in me to be who I think people want me to be, sometimes I get the feeling that I don’t get it right. Sometimes I think that people want me to let loose and be who I really am. But once I’ve started living the lie, how do I stop it? How do I change? It is all so confusing and it's hard to know what I should do.
I wish I knew how to battle this. I wish I could tell myself that I don’t have to pretend anymore, that people out there really do want to see what I have to offer. They want to see me and know me. That thought and fact alone is hard to grasp. It is hard to understand, even thought I know it’s the truth. There are people here who love me and care for me, and want me to be myself in front of them. However, my problem is that I hold back sometimes. Somewhere deep inside of me there is a voice that tells me that I can’t tell a certain person this and an different person that. I can be somewhat open and vulnerable, but different parts with different people. I don’t recall one person that has ever seen me completely let my guard down, and completely let loose and unveil myself to the world. Well maybe a handful of people. There is always some piece of me that I feel the need to hide. Why is the question. Why? Why do I do it? That is a question I need to investigate and think about more closely. I need to understand myself a little better and honestly by writing it all out I feel like, this may help me get closer to doing that. OK, well that is all.
It just happens, there really isn’t much a person can do about it, but that’s how it is. That’s how nature works. But how does one find balance in being open and vulnerable and guarding their heart. I’m fearful that people won’t accept who I really am. I’m afraid that they won’t like me and i’ll be alone with 27 cats and a parot all my life. Isn’t that ironic because if I never show who I really am, then how will anyone get to really know me? How will my relationships be anything more than shallow? It’s impossible. I wish that I could address the lie that has me so scared and so pent up in my own world. The lie that caused the cement in this wall to harden. The thing is that even though it is so instilled in me to be who I think people want me to be, sometimes I get the feeling that I don’t get it right. Sometimes I think that people want me to let loose and be who I really am. But once I’ve started living the lie, how do I stop it? How do I change? It is all so confusing and it's hard to know what I should do.
I wish I knew how to battle this. I wish I could tell myself that I don’t have to pretend anymore, that people out there really do want to see what I have to offer. They want to see me and know me. That thought and fact alone is hard to grasp. It is hard to understand, even thought I know it’s the truth. There are people here who love me and care for me, and want me to be myself in front of them. However, my problem is that I hold back sometimes. Somewhere deep inside of me there is a voice that tells me that I can’t tell a certain person this and an different person that. I can be somewhat open and vulnerable, but different parts with different people. I don’t recall one person that has ever seen me completely let my guard down, and completely let loose and unveil myself to the world. Well maybe a handful of people. There is always some piece of me that I feel the need to hide. Why is the question. Why? Why do I do it? That is a question I need to investigate and think about more closely. I need to understand myself a little better and honestly by writing it all out I feel like, this may help me get closer to doing that. OK, well that is all.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
The More Things Change
They stay the same. Or at least, that’s how the saying goes. I’ve gone through a bit of a transformation through these past couple of years going from the quiet girl to the kid everybody (well almost everybody)knew in school and then going back to the quiet kid; suffice it to say, both roles has it’s advantages and disadvantages. But through these past couple of months, I’ve found myself knowing which way I needed to turn and where I needed to steer myself to accomplish the goals that I set for myself.
Yet, I find myself in the same situation which drew me into wanting to become this new and improved person. I've noticed on this journey that I gained and lost friends, matured a little, grew 3 inches and gained 6 whole freakin' pounds! (YAY!!!) Yet as my morale compass turns to what it once was, I find myself with a handful REAL friends. The people of whom I count as my real friends could probably be counted on a pair of hands. And those friends I only get to spend time a little quality time with (and school doesn't count!)I was wondering what’s the point of having an invisible/imaginary friend? They can't help you if you got hit by a bus! What are they going to do? Give you a invisible band-aid?
I wonder if it was a fairy tale, about there actually being people out there whom you can depend, trust and love unconditionally. And even some members of my family bring that sentiment into doubt.
I love my fellow friends, through thick and thin, but it can be really depressing facing the reality of everybody adapting such a cold shoulder to one another, for the fun of bumping into each other, on purpose. Anyway,one long, confusing metaphor done, and so is my rant for this week!
Yet, I find myself in the same situation which drew me into wanting to become this new and improved person. I've noticed on this journey that I gained and lost friends, matured a little, grew 3 inches and gained 6 whole freakin' pounds! (YAY!!!) Yet as my morale compass turns to what it once was, I find myself with a handful REAL friends. The people of whom I count as my real friends could probably be counted on a pair of hands. And those friends I only get to spend time a little quality time with (and school doesn't count!)I was wondering what’s the point of having an invisible/imaginary friend? They can't help you if you got hit by a bus! What are they going to do? Give you a invisible band-aid?
I wonder if it was a fairy tale, about there actually being people out there whom you can depend, trust and love unconditionally. And even some members of my family bring that sentiment into doubt.
I love my fellow friends, through thick and thin, but it can be really depressing facing the reality of everybody adapting such a cold shoulder to one another, for the fun of bumping into each other, on purpose. Anyway,one long, confusing metaphor done, and so is my rant for this week!
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