I think I might have an addiction. Its not to drugs or alcohol or anything bad. My addiction is to a freaking song!!! This is how my addiction began. Today while sitting in creative writing my "1 and only" introduced me to a game called Tap Tap Revolution. The song we were playing to was called "Technologic". At first I didn't really like the song but now I LOVE it! I love it so much I even looked up the lyrics for it....and here they are:
"Technologic"
Buy it, use it, break it, fix it,Trash it, change it, mail - upgrade it,
Charge it, point it, zoom it, press it,Snap it, work it, quick - erase it,
Write it, cut it, paste it, save it,Load it, check it, quick - rewrite it,
Plug it, play it, burn it, rip it,Drag and drop it, zip - unzip it,
Lock it, fill it, call it, find it,View it, code it, jam - unlock it,
Surf it, scroll it, pause it, click it,Cross it, crack it, switch - update it,
Name it, rate it, tune it, print it,Scan it, send it, fax - rename it,
Touch it, bring it, Pay it, watch it,Turn it, leave it, start - format it.
Technologic [4x]
Buy it, use it, break it, fix it,Trash it, change it, mail - upgrade it,
Charge it, point it, zoom it, press it,Snap it, work it, quick - erase it,
Write it, cut it, paste it, save it,Load it, check it, quick - rewrite it,
Plug it, play it, burn it, rip it,Drag and drop it, zip - unzip it,
Lock it, fill it, call it, find it,View it, code it, jam - unlock it,
Surf it, scroll it, pause it, click it,Cross it, crack it, switch - update it,
Name it, rate it, tune it, print it,Scan it, send it, fax - rename it
Touch it, bring it, pay it, watch it,Turn it, leave it, start - format it.
Buy it, use it, break it, fix it,Trash it, change it, mail - upgrade it,
Charge it, point it, zoom it, press it,Snap it, work it, quick - erase it,
Write it, cut it, paste it, save it,Load it, check it, quick - rewrite it,
Plug it, play it, burn it, rip it,Drag and drop it, zip - unzip it
Touch it, bring it, pay it, watch it,Turn it, leave it, start - format it.
Surf it, scroll it, pause it, click it,Cross it, crack it, switch - update it
Lock it, fill it, call it, find it,View it, code it, jam - unlock it,
Buy it, use it, break it, fix it,Trash it, change it, mail - upgrade it,
Charge it, point it, zoom it, press it,Snap it, work it, quick - erase it,
Write it, cut it, paste it, save it,Load it, check it, quick - rewrite it,
Surf it, scroll it, pause it, click it,Cross it, crack it, switch - update it,
Name it, rate it, tune it, print it,Scan it, send it, fax - rename it,
Touch it, bring it, pay it, watch it,Turn it, leave it, start - format it.
Buy it, use it, break it, fix it,Trash it, change it, mail - upgrade it,
Charge it, point it, zoom it, press it,Snap it, work it, quick - erase it,
Write it, cut it, paste it, save it,Load it, check it, quick - rewrite it,
Plug it, play it, burn it, rip it,Drag and drop it, zip - unzip it,
Surf it, scroll it, pause it, click it,Cross it, crack it, switch - update it,
Name it, rate it, tune it, print it,Scan it, send it, fax - rename it,
Touch it, bring it, pay it, watch it,Turn it, leave it, start - format it. [2x]
Buy it, use it, break it, fix it,Trash it, change it, mail - upgrade it,
Charge it, point it, zoom it, press it,Snap it, work it, quick - erase it,
Write it, cut it, paste it, save it,Load it, check it, quick - rewrite it,
Plug it, play it, burn it, rip it,Drag and drop it, zip - unzip it,
Lock it, fill it, call it, find it,View it, code it, jam - unlock it,
Surf it, scroll it, pause it, click it,Cross it, crack it, switch - update it,
Name it, rate it, tune it, print it,Scan it, send it, fax - rename it,
Touch it, bring it, pay it, watch it,Turn it, leave it, start - format it.
Technologic [12x]
(www.azlyrics.com) Yes I really do like this song!!!
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Random Funny Facts
So instead of me "cartwheeling" myself into depression, I thought that I would look up some funny random facts on the Internet. Here are some that I thought was interesting:
Funny But True Facts
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would produce enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
If you attempted to count to stars in a galaxy at a rate of one every second it would take around 3,000 years to count them all.
Every minute in the U.S. six people turn 17.
Human hair and fingernails continue to grow after death.
Termites eat wood twice as fast when listening to heavy metal music.
Guinness Book Of Records holds the record for being the book most stolen from Public Libraries.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
The average chocolate bar has 8 insects’ legs in it
The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
A polar bear’s skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.
Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why Elvis’ middle name was spelled Aron; in honor of his brother.
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
Random Birthday Facts
# More people celebrate their birthdays in August than in any other month. The two other months in which birthday rates are high is July and September.
# Close to two billion Birthday Cards are sent each year in the U.S. alone, accounting for nearly 58 percent of all cards sent.
# The world’s largest birthday cake was created in 1989 it weighed 128,238 pounds, 8 oz. and used 16,209 pounds of icing.
# Anne Frank’s world famous diary was given to her when she was thirteen years old.
# The most common birth date is October 5 and the least common is May 22 in U.S.A.
Strange Funny Facts About Living Beings
# More babies are born in September than in any other month
# 53% of Americans think they are paid the right amount.
# About 8,000 Americans are injured by musical instruments each year.
# 95% of the creatures on earth are smaller than a chicken egg.
# 57% of women would rather go on a shopping spree than have sex.
# 63% of pet owners sleep with their pets.
# There are twice as many billionaires in the U.S. today as there were 10 years ago.
# 48% of men think balding has a negative effect on business and social relationships.
# The average American dog will cost its owner $14,600 in its lifetime.
# The Ratio of people to T.V. in the world is 6 to 1.
# 58% of school kids say pizza is their favorite cafeteria food.
# 32% of singles polled think they will meet their future mate online.
# In 1948, 2.3% of American households had televisions. Today 99% do.
# In 1998, 58% of American adults were married and living with their spouses, an all time low.
# The top three products for coupon redemption are cold cereal, soap, and deodorant.
# One in three dog owners say they have talked to their pets on the phone.
# 46% of violence on T.V. occurs in cartoons.
# Only about 5% of people dream in color.
# 80% of high school athletes, male and female, say they have been hazed.
# 65% of American adolescents get acne.
# 1 in 6 employees say they got so mad at a co#worker last year that “they felt like hitting them but didn’t.”
# The average American drinks 3.4 cups of coffee a day.
# 85% of parents use child safety seats incorrectly.
# The average American kid catches 6 colds a year, the average kid in daycare catches 10.
# The average American male laughs 69 times a day where the average woman laughs 55 times a day.
# 85% of obscene calls are made by males.
# 5% of Americans never get married.
# 60% of the county of Liechtenstein’s GDP is generated from the sale of false teeth.
# If a girl owns one barbie, she most likely owns seven.
# 50% of American adults attended an arts activity in 1997.
# People aged 24#35 worry less than adults of other age groups.
# 5% of Americans say they “never” make their beds.
# The average person moves their residence 11 times in their life, about once every 6 years.
# 35% of people watching T.V. yell at it.
# One in seven Americans can’t locate the U.S. on a map.
# American office workers send an average of 36 e#mails per day.
# 23% of workers said they would work harder if their employer offered a “$1,000 shopping spree at a store of their choice.”
# Only 30% of U.S. adults actually have dandruff while 50% are “self conscious about it.”
# 32% of women and 8% of men say they are better at doing laundry than their spouse.
# 13% of the letters in a given book are “e”.
# The average age kids begin to use a microwave is seven.
# The average American uses 730 crayons by the age of 10.
# 63% of American adults will rent at least 1 video this month.
# The average sleeper rolls over 12 times in bed per night.
# The Pentagon uses an average of 666 rolls of toilet paper each day.
# More babies are conceived in December than any other month.
# Your left hand does an average of 56% of your typing.
# It takes an average person seven minutes to fall asleep on an average night.
# About 8% of the students at the Dunkin Doughnuts training center fail the six week course.
# The average speed of a golf ball in flight during the PGA tour is 160 mph.
# 85% of phone calls are conducted in the English language.
# The Earth is turning to desert at a rate of 40 square miles per day.
# 99% of India’s truck drivers can’t read road signs.
# 80% of deaths in U.S. casinos are caused by sudden heart attacks.
# 12% of U.S. businessmen wear their ties so tight that they restrict the blood flow to their brain.
# 3% of all photos taken in the U.S. are taken at Disney Land or Disney World.
# Nearly 6% of all marriage proposals are made over the telephone.
Well that made me giggle a little!!! :)
(http://www.funnyjunksite.com/funny/random-funny-facts/)
Funny But True Facts
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would produce enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
If you attempted to count to stars in a galaxy at a rate of one every second it would take around 3,000 years to count them all.
Every minute in the U.S. six people turn 17.
Human hair and fingernails continue to grow after death.
Termites eat wood twice as fast when listening to heavy metal music.
Guinness Book Of Records holds the record for being the book most stolen from Public Libraries.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
The average chocolate bar has 8 insects’ legs in it
The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
A polar bear’s skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.
Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why Elvis’ middle name was spelled Aron; in honor of his brother.
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
Random Birthday Facts
# More people celebrate their birthdays in August than in any other month. The two other months in which birthday rates are high is July and September.
# Close to two billion Birthday Cards are sent each year in the U.S. alone, accounting for nearly 58 percent of all cards sent.
# The world’s largest birthday cake was created in 1989 it weighed 128,238 pounds, 8 oz. and used 16,209 pounds of icing.
# Anne Frank’s world famous diary was given to her when she was thirteen years old.
# The most common birth date is October 5 and the least common is May 22 in U.S.A.
Strange Funny Facts About Living Beings
# More babies are born in September than in any other month
# 53% of Americans think they are paid the right amount.
# About 8,000 Americans are injured by musical instruments each year.
# 95% of the creatures on earth are smaller than a chicken egg.
# 57% of women would rather go on a shopping spree than have sex.
# 63% of pet owners sleep with their pets.
# There are twice as many billionaires in the U.S. today as there were 10 years ago.
# 48% of men think balding has a negative effect on business and social relationships.
# The average American dog will cost its owner $14,600 in its lifetime.
# The Ratio of people to T.V. in the world is 6 to 1.
# 58% of school kids say pizza is their favorite cafeteria food.
# 32% of singles polled think they will meet their future mate online.
# In 1948, 2.3% of American households had televisions. Today 99% do.
# In 1998, 58% of American adults were married and living with their spouses, an all time low.
# The top three products for coupon redemption are cold cereal, soap, and deodorant.
# One in three dog owners say they have talked to their pets on the phone.
# 46% of violence on T.V. occurs in cartoons.
# Only about 5% of people dream in color.
# 80% of high school athletes, male and female, say they have been hazed.
# 65% of American adolescents get acne.
# 1 in 6 employees say they got so mad at a co#worker last year that “they felt like hitting them but didn’t.”
# The average American drinks 3.4 cups of coffee a day.
# 85% of parents use child safety seats incorrectly.
# The average American kid catches 6 colds a year, the average kid in daycare catches 10.
# The average American male laughs 69 times a day where the average woman laughs 55 times a day.
# 85% of obscene calls are made by males.
# 5% of Americans never get married.
# 60% of the county of Liechtenstein’s GDP is generated from the sale of false teeth.
# If a girl owns one barbie, she most likely owns seven.
# 50% of American adults attended an arts activity in 1997.
# People aged 24#35 worry less than adults of other age groups.
# 5% of Americans say they “never” make their beds.
# The average person moves their residence 11 times in their life, about once every 6 years.
# 35% of people watching T.V. yell at it.
# One in seven Americans can’t locate the U.S. on a map.
# American office workers send an average of 36 e#mails per day.
# 23% of workers said they would work harder if their employer offered a “$1,000 shopping spree at a store of their choice.”
# Only 30% of U.S. adults actually have dandruff while 50% are “self conscious about it.”
# 32% of women and 8% of men say they are better at doing laundry than their spouse.
# 13% of the letters in a given book are “e”.
# The average age kids begin to use a microwave is seven.
# The average American uses 730 crayons by the age of 10.
# 63% of American adults will rent at least 1 video this month.
# The average sleeper rolls over 12 times in bed per night.
# The Pentagon uses an average of 666 rolls of toilet paper each day.
# More babies are conceived in December than any other month.
# Your left hand does an average of 56% of your typing.
# It takes an average person seven minutes to fall asleep on an average night.
# About 8% of the students at the Dunkin Doughnuts training center fail the six week course.
# The average speed of a golf ball in flight during the PGA tour is 160 mph.
# 85% of phone calls are conducted in the English language.
# The Earth is turning to desert at a rate of 40 square miles per day.
# 99% of India’s truck drivers can’t read road signs.
# 80% of deaths in U.S. casinos are caused by sudden heart attacks.
# 12% of U.S. businessmen wear their ties so tight that they restrict the blood flow to their brain.
# 3% of all photos taken in the U.S. are taken at Disney Land or Disney World.
# Nearly 6% of all marriage proposals are made over the telephone.
Well that made me giggle a little!!! :)
(http://www.funnyjunksite.com/funny/random-funny-facts/)
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Mean so Much to Me
Another day is passing
and still there is no word
on how your life is going
and who is in your world.
I pray you will consider
these words I write to you.
I liked you in my life,
yet maybe now it's through.
I don't want to see our relationship come to an end
and I don't want to find our lives standing still.
We are moving towards the end
and we really ought to wait
because God planted something special
deep within our hearts.
I know your life is hectic.
You are busy all day through
My life is busy also
but I still think of you
I want to send my love
and remind you of these things
Just so you will know
You mean so much to me
and still there is no word
on how your life is going
and who is in your world.
I pray you will consider
these words I write to you.
I liked you in my life,
yet maybe now it's through.
I don't want to see our relationship come to an end
and I don't want to find our lives standing still.
We are moving towards the end
and we really ought to wait
because God planted something special
deep within our hearts.
I know your life is hectic.
You are busy all day through
My life is busy also
but I still think of you
I want to send my love
and remind you of these things
Just so you will know
You mean so much to me
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Trash
I know its a beautiful day and I don't want to make it depressing. I was just talking to one of my favorite cousins and she was feeling down. She's 18 and a senior in high school and she has so many decisions to make. Her mom wants her to go to a college she doesn't want to go to. Yesterday she got the acceptance letters for the school she wants to go to. She doesn't know how she's going to tell her but she has to it. So while we were sitting in her room I wrote a poem for her. So here it is:
Trash
"You're throwing it away, you're wasting your life!"
"You're too young to know what decisions to make!"
"You're too stupid to know what opportunities to take!"
"You're just a teenager, too rebellious and wild to think!"
"You're on the brink of falling over the edge!"
"Don't take a step too far, be cautious,right now you're on the ledge!"
"I'm just trying to help, so don't raise your voice!"
"It's not your choice anymore!"
"You must do as I say, you can't have it your way!"
"You don't know what you want!"
"You can't have what you hunt!"
"You can't have your own dreams, you have to have mine!"
"I couldn't live my life to the fullest, so I'm going to make your life the dullest!"
"Don't waste your life or throw it away because you're living it for me, my way!"
Trash
"You're throwing it away, you're wasting your life!"
"You're too young to know what decisions to make!"
"You're too stupid to know what opportunities to take!"
"You're just a teenager, too rebellious and wild to think!"
"You're on the brink of falling over the edge!"
"Don't take a step too far, be cautious,right now you're on the ledge!"
"I'm just trying to help, so don't raise your voice!"
"It's not your choice anymore!"
"You must do as I say, you can't have it your way!"
"You don't know what you want!"
"You can't have what you hunt!"
"You can't have your own dreams, you have to have mine!"
"I couldn't live my life to the fullest, so I'm going to make your life the dullest!"
"Don't waste your life or throw it away because you're living it for me, my way!"
Mother's Day
Well, today is Mother's Day and its been going pretty well. Yesterday when I got home from an exhausting day of SOL prep my dad, brother and I went out to get mi madre a mother's day card. There were so many to choose from and to be honest like every year we do this, I got frustrated. I don't know why this happens but I guess I get so overwhelmed with all the pretty cards sitting everywhere. I didn't know which one to pick out but luckily my little brother knew the perfect card we should get for her. Its tooooooo cute!!!!! Its a animated card that talks when you open it. In all my frustration, I couldn't help but laugh when I heard the card. It brightened up the rest of my day!
So, early this morning my dad woke us up and told us to sign the card for my mom. We all did and he placed it on her bed so when she got out of the shower she would be able to see it. We were so excited waiting for her to open it and when she did she began to laugh. I mean she was giggling for a good 3 minutes! She gave us all hugs and we got dressed. To her surprise we pulled up in T.G.I Friday's parking lot. She smiled from the car all the way inside the restaurant. We sat, laughed, ate and took pictures. We all told her ow much we care and love her. We finally came home and got situated. Now I'm looking at my beautiful mother resting on her day off!!!
So, early this morning my dad woke us up and told us to sign the card for my mom. We all did and he placed it on her bed so when she got out of the shower she would be able to see it. We were so excited waiting for her to open it and when she did she began to laugh. I mean she was giggling for a good 3 minutes! She gave us all hugs and we got dressed. To her surprise we pulled up in T.G.I Friday's parking lot. She smiled from the car all the way inside the restaurant. We sat, laughed, ate and took pictures. We all told her ow much we care and love her. We finally came home and got situated. Now I'm looking at my beautiful mother resting on her day off!!!
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Let you down
I feel terrible right now cause I just realized that I made a situation worser than it already was. I don't know if I ever felt this way before. I don't think I wanna EVER feel this way again. I just talked to a old friend of mine not to long ago and I poured my heart into her lap, telling her how I felt and what I did wrong. She told me that I was trying to do the right thing and for me to just apologize and forget about it. You see that's what my mind is telling me, to just forget about it. Something just won't let me do that.
I feel as if I let you down in a way. Like I broke something that was glued together. I thought at the time that I was helping the whole situation but, as you and I can both see it didn't do anything but make you and I realize that it will never be the same. Nothing in life will. I wanted to help stitch the patch y'all had. I just wanted y'all to be what y'all used to be. Like my title says "Life Changes" and apparently so does people. I still don't exactly see what you see. I get where you're coming from but I just can't completely see it. IDK what it is, maybe I really am blind?
Now all WE can do is learn from this experience. I just wanted you to know that I will always and forever be here for you no matter what cuz you mean sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much to me(you know who you are!!!!:))! You're very important to me and I don't know what I would ever do with out you in my life. Once again I truly apologize and I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!
I feel as if I let you down in a way. Like I broke something that was glued together. I thought at the time that I was helping the whole situation but, as you and I can both see it didn't do anything but make you and I realize that it will never be the same. Nothing in life will. I wanted to help stitch the patch y'all had. I just wanted y'all to be what y'all used to be. Like my title says "Life Changes" and apparently so does people. I still don't exactly see what you see. I get where you're coming from but I just can't completely see it. IDK what it is, maybe I really am blind?
Now all WE can do is learn from this experience. I just wanted you to know that I will always and forever be here for you no matter what cuz you mean sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much to me(you know who you are!!!!:))! You're very important to me and I don't know what I would ever do with out you in my life. Once again I truly apologize and I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, April 27, 2009
Don't want it to End!!! :( :( :(
OMG! I was just sitting here thinking of a good topic to write about when my whole body became depressed. I am realizing that the school year is coming to a close. In a couple more weeks summer time will be here. I know somebody will probably think I'm slow for saying this but I don't want summer to be here yet! I'm not quite ready. I really don't want the school year to end. I just have a feeling that this summer is gonna S-U-C-K something terrible. Well I might be exagerating just a tad but I know for a fact that this won't be the best summer for me.
People tell me to have a positive attitude when I feel this way. I try to take their advice, I really do. Its just when I try to not think about it or when I try to stay postive, it makes me think about it more and more. I'm not understanding why I do this. You already know that I'm still trying to figure myself out so DON'T JUDGE ME!!!!!lol
Back to what I was saying before, I wish that this summer will be filled with all of my friends, and fun stuff. I could write a whole book on all of the things that I want to do. I definitely know that half of those things I never will do. IDK, when summer time comes rolling around, I'm gonna be one sad teeenage girl!!!!!!!
People tell me to have a positive attitude when I feel this way. I try to take their advice, I really do. Its just when I try to not think about it or when I try to stay postive, it makes me think about it more and more. I'm not understanding why I do this. You already know that I'm still trying to figure myself out so DON'T JUDGE ME!!!!!lol
Back to what I was saying before, I wish that this summer will be filled with all of my friends, and fun stuff. I could write a whole book on all of the things that I want to do. I definitely know that half of those things I never will do. IDK, when summer time comes rolling around, I'm gonna be one sad teeenage girl!!!!!!!
Thursday, April 2, 2009
My Random Outpouring of Thoughts
So I was thinking today, why is it so hard for me to become vulnerable with people? Why do I have such problems opening up and letting people see the real me? Is it fear, or what? I’m not sure, what it is that I don’t want people to see? What am I hiding? Am I hiding the fact that I’m an actual human being with thoughts and feelings and emotions and not just some brick wall with none of these things. Brick walls aren’t very personable. They aren’t very caring or loving. They just stand there and over time they get weaker and weaker. Eventually, well after many years, they begin to deteriorate and crumble. If I remain a brick wall, how long will it be before I finally crumble? Will I crumble? Of course I will that is the effect of time on brick.
It just happens, there really isn’t much a person can do about it, but that’s how it is. That’s how nature works. But how does one find balance in being open and vulnerable and guarding their heart. I’m fearful that people won’t accept who I really am. I’m afraid that they won’t like me and i’ll be alone with 27 cats and a parot all my life. Isn’t that ironic because if I never show who I really am, then how will anyone get to really know me? How will my relationships be anything more than shallow? It’s impossible. I wish that I could address the lie that has me so scared and so pent up in my own world. The lie that caused the cement in this wall to harden. The thing is that even though it is so instilled in me to be who I think people want me to be, sometimes I get the feeling that I don’t get it right. Sometimes I think that people want me to let loose and be who I really am. But once I’ve started living the lie, how do I stop it? How do I change? It is all so confusing and it's hard to know what I should do.
I wish I knew how to battle this. I wish I could tell myself that I don’t have to pretend anymore, that people out there really do want to see what I have to offer. They want to see me and know me. That thought and fact alone is hard to grasp. It is hard to understand, even thought I know it’s the truth. There are people here who love me and care for me, and want me to be myself in front of them. However, my problem is that I hold back sometimes. Somewhere deep inside of me there is a voice that tells me that I can’t tell a certain person this and an different person that. I can be somewhat open and vulnerable, but different parts with different people. I don’t recall one person that has ever seen me completely let my guard down, and completely let loose and unveil myself to the world. Well maybe a handful of people. There is always some piece of me that I feel the need to hide. Why is the question. Why? Why do I do it? That is a question I need to investigate and think about more closely. I need to understand myself a little better and honestly by writing it all out I feel like, this may help me get closer to doing that. OK, well that is all.
It just happens, there really isn’t much a person can do about it, but that’s how it is. That’s how nature works. But how does one find balance in being open and vulnerable and guarding their heart. I’m fearful that people won’t accept who I really am. I’m afraid that they won’t like me and i’ll be alone with 27 cats and a parot all my life. Isn’t that ironic because if I never show who I really am, then how will anyone get to really know me? How will my relationships be anything more than shallow? It’s impossible. I wish that I could address the lie that has me so scared and so pent up in my own world. The lie that caused the cement in this wall to harden. The thing is that even though it is so instilled in me to be who I think people want me to be, sometimes I get the feeling that I don’t get it right. Sometimes I think that people want me to let loose and be who I really am. But once I’ve started living the lie, how do I stop it? How do I change? It is all so confusing and it's hard to know what I should do.
I wish I knew how to battle this. I wish I could tell myself that I don’t have to pretend anymore, that people out there really do want to see what I have to offer. They want to see me and know me. That thought and fact alone is hard to grasp. It is hard to understand, even thought I know it’s the truth. There are people here who love me and care for me, and want me to be myself in front of them. However, my problem is that I hold back sometimes. Somewhere deep inside of me there is a voice that tells me that I can’t tell a certain person this and an different person that. I can be somewhat open and vulnerable, but different parts with different people. I don’t recall one person that has ever seen me completely let my guard down, and completely let loose and unveil myself to the world. Well maybe a handful of people. There is always some piece of me that I feel the need to hide. Why is the question. Why? Why do I do it? That is a question I need to investigate and think about more closely. I need to understand myself a little better and honestly by writing it all out I feel like, this may help me get closer to doing that. OK, well that is all.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
The More Things Change
They stay the same. Or at least, that’s how the saying goes. I’ve gone through a bit of a transformation through these past couple of years going from the quiet girl to the kid everybody (well almost everybody)knew in school and then going back to the quiet kid; suffice it to say, both roles has it’s advantages and disadvantages. But through these past couple of months, I’ve found myself knowing which way I needed to turn and where I needed to steer myself to accomplish the goals that I set for myself.
Yet, I find myself in the same situation which drew me into wanting to become this new and improved person. I've noticed on this journey that I gained and lost friends, matured a little, grew 3 inches and gained 6 whole freakin' pounds! (YAY!!!) Yet as my morale compass turns to what it once was, I find myself with a handful REAL friends. The people of whom I count as my real friends could probably be counted on a pair of hands. And those friends I only get to spend time a little quality time with (and school doesn't count!)I was wondering what’s the point of having an invisible/imaginary friend? They can't help you if you got hit by a bus! What are they going to do? Give you a invisible band-aid?
I wonder if it was a fairy tale, about there actually being people out there whom you can depend, trust and love unconditionally. And even some members of my family bring that sentiment into doubt.
I love my fellow friends, through thick and thin, but it can be really depressing facing the reality of everybody adapting such a cold shoulder to one another, for the fun of bumping into each other, on purpose. Anyway,one long, confusing metaphor done, and so is my rant for this week!
Yet, I find myself in the same situation which drew me into wanting to become this new and improved person. I've noticed on this journey that I gained and lost friends, matured a little, grew 3 inches and gained 6 whole freakin' pounds! (YAY!!!) Yet as my morale compass turns to what it once was, I find myself with a handful REAL friends. The people of whom I count as my real friends could probably be counted on a pair of hands. And those friends I only get to spend time a little quality time with (and school doesn't count!)I was wondering what’s the point of having an invisible/imaginary friend? They can't help you if you got hit by a bus! What are they going to do? Give you a invisible band-aid?
I wonder if it was a fairy tale, about there actually being people out there whom you can depend, trust and love unconditionally. And even some members of my family bring that sentiment into doubt.
I love my fellow friends, through thick and thin, but it can be really depressing facing the reality of everybody adapting such a cold shoulder to one another, for the fun of bumping into each other, on purpose. Anyway,one long, confusing metaphor done, and so is my rant for this week!
Friday, March 27, 2009
"Jammed"
I think it’s amazing how much a person can impact our lives and not even be aware of it. I think it must be the best feeling in the world to know that you’ve been such an inspiration to someone, that you made a difference. Or how the most insignificant of moments are stored in the deepest compartments and chest of memories, probably forever. Like this time I was in preschool and we were having our "teabreak". The teacher was circulating each table with a tray of jam sandwiches. I remember the sandwiches looking really good what with the jam oozing from the sides and I helped myself to a piece. It tasted pretty bland. The bread wasn’t as soft as I imagined it to be, jam not the right amount of sweet. When the teacher came the second time round and offered me another piece; I took it. Till today I dunno why I did because I had the hardest time trying to finish that second piece.
It’s silly, really but perhaps a lesson in disguise? Like how I shouldn’t judge something just by its looks. Or that greed is bad but, I know these things. Maybe I was afraid of upsetting her. Helping others at the expense of yourself is noble and all that jazz but, sometimes when I look back I ask myself if it was worth it. Maybe this is telling me to stop dwelling on the past. I can’t help but wish I could relive those carefree and conflict-free moments when my inbox used to be filled to the brim with texts from the closest of friends, and there were phone calls at the strangest of times for the longest time. I miss the familiar. This is familiar but it’s a new kind of familiar.
Truth is that things change, people change. Isn’t that such a horrible word.? Change. . I was once told that friends are forever but really, I don’t think anything is anymore. Cause that’s just too vague a word.
And I guess maybe what this is trying say is that I look into things way too much. I mean, it was just a jam sandwich for gosh sakes!!!
It’s silly, really but perhaps a lesson in disguise? Like how I shouldn’t judge something just by its looks. Or that greed is bad but, I know these things. Maybe I was afraid of upsetting her. Helping others at the expense of yourself is noble and all that jazz but, sometimes when I look back I ask myself if it was worth it. Maybe this is telling me to stop dwelling on the past. I can’t help but wish I could relive those carefree and conflict-free moments when my inbox used to be filled to the brim with texts from the closest of friends, and there were phone calls at the strangest of times for the longest time. I miss the familiar. This is familiar but it’s a new kind of familiar.
Truth is that things change, people change. Isn’t that such a horrible word.? Change. . I was once told that friends are forever but really, I don’t think anything is anymore. Cause that’s just too vague a word.
And I guess maybe what this is trying say is that I look into things way too much. I mean, it was just a jam sandwich for gosh sakes!!!
Rainy Days
I hate rain. As a kid, I thought it was freakin’ awesome. I have no idea why. I like gloomy, gray skies. But rain can suck it. Especially on a day when I have school, and it rains super hard. Then my bag/backpack gets wet, which makes the content inside it wet. It would just ruin my day if anything I was carrying around got wet. I use everything I carry. If I wanted something to get wet, I would shower with it. Then there’s always that unavoidable puddle I have to step on in order to get where I’m going. There are a few that I can get away with stepping on and the result not being so bad. Then there are those that look like they’re okay puddles, but then you step on them and BAM! You can feel the water in your socks, moving around between your toes. So nasty. If this happens in the morning, you’re pretty much stuck with wet, squeaky shoes the rest of the day. Such an uncomfortable feeling. And the way it smells inside the bus when people are soaking wet, or at least have wet hair or sweaters from the rain… EW. If I don’t have an umbrella on me, I can guarantee that my hair will get wet and frizzy too. I hate that soooo much! It’s annoying. Takes me so long to unfrizz my hair sometimes, and then it just gets ruined by the stupid rain. Well, that is my rant for today. Thank you.
Some Days
Life just seems to be moving forward, at such a slow, yet quick pace, without me - in a direction I hadn’t ever envisioned.
I’m not sad though, don’t get me wrong…I’ve just been thinking.
My mind is always going…over and over about the things that were or could have been. The places I’ve been or could have gone. The things I’ve done, or had the oppurtunity to do. The things I’ve said, or didn’t say. All these scenarios, all these choices - good and bad, happy and sad, painful yet needed (or so I thought at the time). One by one, they invade my mind - constant thoughts of the past still haunting my every being, in this present time.
If you knew me before, you’d see the growth. I am not at all the same person I was years ago. I’d like to say I’ve matured - learned to take things in stride, living each day as it happened.
But sometimes…just sometimes…like some horrible case of deja-vu, I feel like that scared little girl all over again - so afraid of the unknown - so afraid of what lies ahead. I know that nothing is guaranteed. Life is definitely what you make it. Its not about making the right choices - instead its about sometimes making the wrong choices, then learning from each one for future reference.
I guess I just don’t know what’s out there for me. I want to make my place in this world doing the only thing that’s ever made sense to me. I’m not getting any younger. I know ill have to make due with the hand that I’ve been dealt. The choices I’ve made have definitely played a huge part into where I am today. Life goes on…whether I want to put it on hold, or not. Things happen that sometimes we have no control over. But I just try to remember that although we cannot control what happens, we can always control what to do with the situation presented.
I need a muse - some sort of inspiration, but I don’t want to search. Inspiration is best when its unexpected.
I’m not complaining though. I’m just saying…there is a story of struggle behind every success story..and mine will definitely be one hell of a story to tell.
Even if everything I write never gets acknowledged…I don’t think that what I want is about that. I write because its my way of releasing and escaping, the best way I know that provides me with the most serenity. For all I know, there are always the same 2 or 3 people who even care to read what I write. And that’s fine. So long as 1, just ONE person can take something…anything…from what I’m writing.
I want to surround myself with people who are passionate - who can hopefully inspire me with their drive and ambitions.
For now, ill take each day with a grain of salt…little by little…in baby steps.
Good things come to those who wait.And my time is definitely coming.
I’m not sad though, don’t get me wrong…I’ve just been thinking.
My mind is always going…over and over about the things that were or could have been. The places I’ve been or could have gone. The things I’ve done, or had the oppurtunity to do. The things I’ve said, or didn’t say. All these scenarios, all these choices - good and bad, happy and sad, painful yet needed (or so I thought at the time). One by one, they invade my mind - constant thoughts of the past still haunting my every being, in this present time.
If you knew me before, you’d see the growth. I am not at all the same person I was years ago. I’d like to say I’ve matured - learned to take things in stride, living each day as it happened.
But sometimes…just sometimes…like some horrible case of deja-vu, I feel like that scared little girl all over again - so afraid of the unknown - so afraid of what lies ahead. I know that nothing is guaranteed. Life is definitely what you make it. Its not about making the right choices - instead its about sometimes making the wrong choices, then learning from each one for future reference.
I guess I just don’t know what’s out there for me. I want to make my place in this world doing the only thing that’s ever made sense to me. I’m not getting any younger. I know ill have to make due with the hand that I’ve been dealt. The choices I’ve made have definitely played a huge part into where I am today. Life goes on…whether I want to put it on hold, or not. Things happen that sometimes we have no control over. But I just try to remember that although we cannot control what happens, we can always control what to do with the situation presented.
I need a muse - some sort of inspiration, but I don’t want to search. Inspiration is best when its unexpected.
I’m not complaining though. I’m just saying…there is a story of struggle behind every success story..and mine will definitely be one hell of a story to tell.
Even if everything I write never gets acknowledged…I don’t think that what I want is about that. I write because its my way of releasing and escaping, the best way I know that provides me with the most serenity. For all I know, there are always the same 2 or 3 people who even care to read what I write. And that’s fine. So long as 1, just ONE person can take something…anything…from what I’m writing.
I want to surround myself with people who are passionate - who can hopefully inspire me with their drive and ambitions.
For now, ill take each day with a grain of salt…little by little…in baby steps.
Good things come to those who wait.And my time is definitely coming.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
My Apology
How do I tell you I'm sorry
-With a gesture, a look, a touch?
How is it I never realized,I hurt you so very much?
I do not ask forgiveness
A comfort I'll never deserve.I merely want to let you know,but I cannot find the nerve.
To finally confront you, face-to-face,to look you in the eye,to face your wrath,
Too terrified to try.
You called me selfish, I turned away,I festered and I fled
Cutting and wounding and lashing out,just to see if you bled.
Betraying and deceiving you,I surely had no right to snatch away such, a precious gem like a thief in the night.
Four years and forever passed,to bring us to this day.
When I present these simple words I never thought to say.
The time has come, it's long past due.
To put aside my fear;Would this confession torture you,or have you longed to hear?
To hear those two forbidden words,
To vanquish all the pain,
To understand my dearest wish:
To know you once again.
The years aged me remarkably,
Though they have not made me very wise.... For that I APOLOGIZE!!!
-With a gesture, a look, a touch?
How is it I never realized,I hurt you so very much?
I do not ask forgiveness
A comfort I'll never deserve.I merely want to let you know,but I cannot find the nerve.
To finally confront you, face-to-face,to look you in the eye,to face your wrath,
Too terrified to try.
You called me selfish, I turned away,I festered and I fled
Cutting and wounding and lashing out,just to see if you bled.
Betraying and deceiving you,I surely had no right to snatch away such, a precious gem like a thief in the night.
Four years and forever passed,to bring us to this day.
When I present these simple words I never thought to say.
The time has come, it's long past due.
To put aside my fear;Would this confession torture you,or have you longed to hear?
To hear those two forbidden words,
To vanquish all the pain,
To understand my dearest wish:
To know you once again.
The years aged me remarkably,
Though they have not made me very wise.... For that I APOLOGIZE!!!
Monday, March 2, 2009
I LUVS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I'm sitting at home with nothing else to do, I start to write. I especially write poetry. So here's a little something that I wrote at 5:12 in the morning!
I LUVS YOU
I never really knew you
You were just another friend.
But when I got to know you,I let my heart unbend.
I couldn't help past memories that would only make me cry.
I had to forget my first love and give love another try.
So I've fallen in love with you and I'll never let you go.
I love you more than anyone just had to let you know.
And if you ever wonder why don't know what I'll say.
But I'll never stop loving you each and every day
My feelings for you will never change
Just know my feelings are true Just remember one thing... I Love You!
I LUVS YOU
I never really knew you
You were just another friend.
But when I got to know you,I let my heart unbend.
I couldn't help past memories that would only make me cry.
I had to forget my first love and give love another try.
So I've fallen in love with you and I'll never let you go.
I love you more than anyone just had to let you know.
And if you ever wonder why don't know what I'll say.
But I'll never stop loving you each and every day
My feelings for you will never change
Just know my feelings are true Just remember one thing... I Love You!
Down on His Luck
Saturday I went to a Kroger but I didn't go inside. We had my baby cousin Samuel with us so I waited outside. A gentleman wearing a blue parka coat like the one my dad probably had back in the seventies came walking up the side walk. He had gray hair and a gray beard and looked to be in his mid sixties. He was carrying a plastic bag. I think he would have walked right by but we made eye contact and he stopped to chat. Samuel is a some what good baby boy and he's very sensitive. He didn't cry or act up at all, so I knew this man was a good guy.
The gentleman told me he was down on his luck. He'd been living in the woods for months now. He didn't ask me for money but the hint was in the air. Briefly I paused and thought to myself how lucky I am. This man had heart. He told me about his journey through life. He had been in the United States Air force for a dozen years and worked as a top-notch aircraft mechanic. He had been married but his wife died and he turned to booze. I felt horrible, I just wanted to fade away. He liked Sam, he was making him laugh hysterically . Sammy is a very cranky baby! You'd have to have nerves of steel to reach in my window and tickle him. After we talked we shook hands and he went on his way. I had my mom's credit card but I didn't have a dollar on me. As soon as my family came out I headed for the nearest money machine I could find. I swear for cheese, we drove around for a half an hour trying to find the guy but I had no luck. Sometimes life can be pathetic. With the economy failing the way it is, we all need to work together and help each other out. If we don't we are all doomed.
The gentleman told me he was down on his luck. He'd been living in the woods for months now. He didn't ask me for money but the hint was in the air. Briefly I paused and thought to myself how lucky I am. This man had heart. He told me about his journey through life. He had been in the United States Air force for a dozen years and worked as a top-notch aircraft mechanic. He had been married but his wife died and he turned to booze. I felt horrible, I just wanted to fade away. He liked Sam, he was making him laugh hysterically . Sammy is a very cranky baby! You'd have to have nerves of steel to reach in my window and tickle him. After we talked we shook hands and he went on his way. I had my mom's credit card but I didn't have a dollar on me. As soon as my family came out I headed for the nearest money machine I could find. I swear for cheese, we drove around for a half an hour trying to find the guy but I had no luck. Sometimes life can be pathetic. With the economy failing the way it is, we all need to work together and help each other out. If we don't we are all doomed.
Friday, February 27, 2009
It's Not Long Now
To hold you all close is one of the few times I feel at ease. To look at your faces and know you'll forget me in time makes my eyes water. I hope the people I'm friends with will not forget the great times we've spent together. When I'm an adult I'll see your faces in my child's eyes, and hear your voices echoing in their laughter.When I'm old I'll sit on my front porch and sip freshly made lemonade, while watching my grandchildren frolic in my front yard, under the sweet smelling Willow. Tears will fall from my old, experienced, black eyes, and softly hit my faded dress, as I think of all the times we were together. I'll smile. When I die I'll think of my children and grandchildren. I'll know how lucky I've been to have such love and joy in my life. I'll know that I was loved by many people as well. I'll also wonder which of my dearest friends are awaiting my arrival, or if I'm the first. And just as I take my last breath, I'll see us as we were when we were teenagers, our golden skin, our eyes wide with hope, our hearts full of love, and our minds full of larger than life dreams - it's not long now.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Getting Old
I was just siting here wondering what I'm going to do with myself in the next couple of weeks/months. I just turned sixteen two weeks and six days to this day and I don't really know what I'm going to do with myself! My friends and I have had this discussion numerous times before. I've also talked to my family about this dilemma I have and that dilemma is that I, Lakeya B. Durant is getting older by the second and it seems as if nothing is going on with my life!
I do the same thing(s) everyday and its very boring to me! I wake up, go to school, come home and do it all over again. When I do these things everyday over and over again, it just makes me realize that I am getting old.
Now I just realized that in order for my life to change the way that I want it to, I have to change it the way I want it to change! I know for a fact that if I really want something done, I got to do it myself (or get mi madre y padre to help me with it!!!). I guess the first step to doing this is to being more responsible. (My parents said this!) After this I got to get a job, start driving and everything should follow! If these things should happen to me by the next couple of weeks or months, I won't feel as if my life isn't a huge heap of boring mess! Also, by me doing these things, I will not feel as if I'm getting old!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I do the same thing(s) everyday and its very boring to me! I wake up, go to school, come home and do it all over again. When I do these things everyday over and over again, it just makes me realize that I am getting old.
Now I just realized that in order for my life to change the way that I want it to, I have to change it the way I want it to change! I know for a fact that if I really want something done, I got to do it myself (or get mi madre y padre to help me with it!!!). I guess the first step to doing this is to being more responsible. (My parents said this!) After this I got to get a job, start driving and everything should follow! If these things should happen to me by the next couple of weeks or months, I won't feel as if my life isn't a huge heap of boring mess! Also, by me doing these things, I will not feel as if I'm getting old!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Live YOUR Life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What is wrong with people these days? Why do certain people have to be so freaking nosy all the time? Don't you have a life of your own? I (barely) have one, so why do you have to be so interested in it? I have asked this question before and I'm going to ask it again. Do you have your own life? Obviously you don't if you keep on following me around and asking me questions that really don't pertain to you!
Now the people that are reading this, don't get the wrong idea! I'm not that mean of a person. I get mean when someone pushes me over the edge or just irritates the stuffing out of me! Like today for instance! Now back to what I was saying in the first paragraph. I just don't understand why some people do that? Maybe they don't know that they are doing it. Maybe they were just raised to be naturally nosy people! I really don't know why they do this but, I want to know why!
I'm not that bold of a person so, I'm not just going to ask them that in a huge room full of other nosy people. I guess I could pull them to the side and ask them. Or I could just tell them about themselves! No, no, I'm not a mean person so I will not do that but, I wonder how they would feel if I did ask them that? Would they get offended or catch an attitude and try to say something smart about me? Well, I DO NOT CARE what they say smart out of their mouths. The only thing I will say in return is "Just Live YOUR Life!!!"
Now the people that are reading this, don't get the wrong idea! I'm not that mean of a person. I get mean when someone pushes me over the edge or just irritates the stuffing out of me! Like today for instance! Now back to what I was saying in the first paragraph. I just don't understand why some people do that? Maybe they don't know that they are doing it. Maybe they were just raised to be naturally nosy people! I really don't know why they do this but, I want to know why!
I'm not that bold of a person so, I'm not just going to ask them that in a huge room full of other nosy people. I guess I could pull them to the side and ask them. Or I could just tell them about themselves! No, no, I'm not a mean person so I will not do that but, I wonder how they would feel if I did ask them that? Would they get offended or catch an attitude and try to say something smart about me? Well, I DO NOT CARE what they say smart out of their mouths. The only thing I will say in return is "Just Live YOUR Life!!!"
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
LEAVING
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