Mean so Much to Me

Another day is passing
and still there is no word
on how your life is going
and who is in your world.
I pray you will consider
these words I write to you.

I liked you in my life,
yet maybe now it's through.
I don't want to see our relationship come to an end
and I don't want to find our lives standing still.
We are moving towards the end
and we really ought to wait
because God planted something special
deep within our hearts.

I know your life is hectic.
You are busy all day through
My life is busy also
but I still think of you
I want to send my love
and remind you of these things
Just so you will know
You mean so much to me

Trash

I know its a beautiful day and I don't want to make it depressing. I was just talking to one of my favorite cousins and she was feeling down. She's 18 and a senior in high school and she has so many decisions to make. Her mom wants her to go to a college she doesn't want to go to. Yesterday she got the acceptance letters for the school she wants to go to. She doesn't know how she's going to tell her but she has to it. So while we were sitting in her room I wrote a poem for her. So here it is:

Trash
"You're throwing it away, you're wasting your life!"
"You're too young to know what decisions to make!"
"You're too stupid to know what opportunities to take!"
"You're just a teenager, too rebellious and wild to think!"
"You're on the brink of falling over the edge!"
"Don't take a step too far, be cautious,right now you're on the ledge!"
"I'm just trying to help, so don't raise your voice!"
"It's not your choice anymore!"
"You must do as I say, you can't have it your way!"
"You don't know what you want!"
"You can't have what you hunt!"
"You can't have your own dreams, you have to have mine!"
"I couldn't live my life to the fullest, so I'm going to make your life the dullest!"
"Don't waste your life or throw it away because you're living it for me, my way!"

Mother's Day

Well, today is Mother's Day and its been going pretty well. Yesterday when I got home from an exhausting day of SOL prep my dad, brother and I went out to get mi madre a mother's day card. There were so many to choose from and to be honest like every year we do this, I got frustrated. I don't know why this happens but I guess I get so overwhelmed with all the pretty cards sitting everywhere. I didn't know which one to pick out but luckily my little brother knew the perfect card we should get for her. Its tooooooo cute!!!!! Its a animated card that talks when you open it. In all my frustration, I couldn't help but laugh when I heard the card. It brightened up the rest of my day!
So, early this morning my dad woke us up and told us to sign the card for my mom. We all did and he placed it on her bed so when she got out of the shower she would be able to see it. We were so excited waiting for her to open it and when she did she began to laugh. I mean she was giggling for a good 3 minutes! She gave us all hugs and we got dressed. To her surprise we pulled up in T.G.I Friday's parking lot. She smiled from the car all the way inside the restaurant. We sat, laughed, ate and took pictures. We all told her ow much we care and love her. We finally came home and got situated. Now I'm looking at my beautiful mother resting on her day off!!!

Let you down

I feel terrible right now cause I just realized that I made a situation worser than it already was. I don't know if I ever felt this way before. I don't think I wanna EVER feel this way again. I just talked to a old friend of mine not to long ago and I poured my heart into her lap, telling her how I felt and what I did wrong. She told me that I was trying to do the right thing and for me to just apologize and forget about it. You see that's what my mind is telling me, to just forget about it. Something just won't let me do that.
I feel as if I let you down in a way. Like I broke something that was glued together. I thought at the time that I was helping the whole situation but, as you and I can both see it didn't do anything but make you and I realize that it will never be the same. Nothing in life will. I wanted to help stitch the patch y'all had. I just wanted y'all to be what y'all used to be. Like my title says "Life Changes" and apparently so does people. I still don't exactly see what you see. I get where you're coming from but I just can't completely see it. IDK what it is, maybe I really am blind?
Now all WE can do is learn from this experience. I just wanted you to know that I will always and forever be here for you no matter what cuz you mean sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much to me(you know who you are!!!!:))! You're very important to me and I don't know what I would ever do with out you in my life. Once again I truly apologize and I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!

Don't want it to End!!! :( :( :(

OMG! I was just sitting here thinking of a good topic to write about when my whole body became depressed. I am realizing that the school year is coming to a close. In a couple more weeks summer time will be here. I know somebody will probably think I'm slow for saying this but I don't want summer to be here yet! I'm not quite ready. I really don't want the school year to end. I just have a feeling that this summer is gonna S-U-C-K something terrible. Well I might be exagerating just a tad but I know for a fact that this won't be the best summer for me.
People tell me to have a positive attitude when I feel this way. I try to take their advice, I really do. Its just when I try to not think about it or when I try to stay postive, it makes me think about it more and more. I'm not understanding why I do this. You already know that I'm still trying to figure myself out so DON'T JUDGE ME!!!!!lol
Back to what I was saying before, I wish that this summer will be filled with all of my friends, and fun stuff. I could write a whole book on all of the things that I want to do. I definitely know that half of those things I never will do. IDK, when summer time comes rolling around, I'm gonna be one sad teeenage girl!!!!!!!

My Random Outpouring of Thoughts

So I was thinking today, why is it so hard for me to become vulnerable with people? Why do I have such problems opening up and letting people see the real me? Is it fear, or what? I’m not sure, what it is that I don’t want people to see? What am I hiding? Am I hiding the fact that I’m an actual human being with thoughts and feelings and emotions and not just some brick wall with none of these things. Brick walls aren’t very personable. They aren’t very caring or loving. They just stand there and over time they get weaker and weaker. Eventually, well after many years, they begin to deteriorate and crumble. If I remain a brick wall, how long will it be before I finally crumble? Will I crumble? Of course I will that is the effect of time on brick.
It just happens, there really isn’t much a person can do about it, but that’s how it is. That’s how nature works. But how does one find balance in being open and vulnerable and guarding their heart. I’m fearful that people won’t accept who I really am. I’m afraid that they won’t like me and i’ll be alone with 27 cats and a parot all my life. Isn’t that ironic because if I never show who I really am, then how will anyone get to really know me? How will my relationships be anything more than shallow? It’s impossible. I wish that I could address the lie that has me so scared and so pent up in my own world. The lie that caused the cement in this wall to harden. The thing is that even though it is so instilled in me to be who I think people want me to be, sometimes I get the feeling that I don’t get it right. Sometimes I think that people want me to let loose and be who I really am. But once I’ve started living the lie, how do I stop it? How do I change? It is all so confusing and it's hard to know what I should do.
I wish I knew how to battle this. I wish I could tell myself that I don’t have to pretend anymore, that people out there really do want to see what I have to offer. They want to see me and know me. That thought and fact alone is hard to grasp. It is hard to understand, even thought I know it’s the truth. There are people here who love me and care for me, and want me to be myself in front of them. However, my problem is that I hold back sometimes. Somewhere deep inside of me there is a voice that tells me that I can’t tell a certain person this and an different person that. I can be somewhat open and vulnerable, but different parts with different people. I don’t recall one person that has ever seen me completely let my guard down, and completely let loose and unveil myself to the world. Well maybe a handful of people. There is always some piece of me that I feel the need to hide. Why is the question. Why? Why do I do it? That is a question I need to investigate and think about more closely. I need to understand myself a little better and honestly by writing it all out I feel like, this may help me get closer to doing that. OK, well that is all.

The More Things Change

They stay the same. Or at least, that’s how the saying goes. I’ve gone through a bit of a transformation through these past couple of years going from the quiet girl to the kid everybody (well almost everybody)knew in school and then going back to the quiet kid; suffice it to say, both roles has it’s advantages and disadvantages. But through these past couple of months, I’ve found myself knowing which way I needed to turn and where I needed to steer myself to accomplish the goals that I set for myself.
Yet, I find myself in the same situation which drew me into wanting to become this new and improved person. I've noticed on this journey that I gained and lost friends, matured a little, grew 3 inches and gained 6 whole freakin' pounds! (YAY!!!) Yet as my morale compass turns to what it once was, I find myself with a handful REAL friends. The people of whom I count as my real friends could probably be counted on a pair of hands. And those friends I only get to spend time a little quality time with (and school doesn't count!)I was wondering what’s the point of having an invisible/imaginary friend? They can't help you if you got hit by a bus! What are they going to do? Give you a invisible band-aid?
I wonder if it was a fairy tale, about there actually being people out there whom you can depend, trust and love unconditionally. And even some members of my family bring that sentiment into doubt.
I love my fellow friends, through thick and thin, but it can be really depressing facing the reality of everybody adapting such a cold shoulder to one another, for the fun of bumping into each other, on purpose. Anyway,one long, confusing metaphor done, and so is my rant for this week!