OMG! I was just sitting here thinking of a good topic to write about when my whole body became depressed. I am realizing that the school year is coming to a close. In a couple more weeks summer time will be here. I know somebody will probably think I'm slow for saying this but I don't want summer to be here yet! I'm not quite ready. I really don't want the school year to end. I just have a feeling that this summer is gonna S-U-C-K something terrible. Well I might be exagerating just a tad but I know for a fact that this won't be the best summer for me.
People tell me to have a positive attitude when I feel this way. I try to take their advice, I really do. Its just when I try to not think about it or when I try to stay postive, it makes me think about it more and more. I'm not understanding why I do this. You already know that I'm still trying to figure myself out so DON'T JUDGE ME!!!!!lol
Back to what I was saying before, I wish that this summer will be filled with all of my friends, and fun stuff. I could write a whole book on all of the things that I want to do. I definitely know that half of those things I never will do. IDK, when summer time comes rolling around, I'm gonna be one sad teeenage girl!!!!!!!
Monday, April 27, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
My Random Outpouring of Thoughts
So I was thinking today, why is it so hard for me to become vulnerable with people? Why do I have such problems opening up and letting people see the real me? Is it fear, or what? I’m not sure, what it is that I don’t want people to see? What am I hiding? Am I hiding the fact that I’m an actual human being with thoughts and feelings and emotions and not just some brick wall with none of these things. Brick walls aren’t very personable. They aren’t very caring or loving. They just stand there and over time they get weaker and weaker. Eventually, well after many years, they begin to deteriorate and crumble. If I remain a brick wall, how long will it be before I finally crumble? Will I crumble? Of course I will that is the effect of time on brick.
It just happens, there really isn’t much a person can do about it, but that’s how it is. That’s how nature works. But how does one find balance in being open and vulnerable and guarding their heart. I’m fearful that people won’t accept who I really am. I’m afraid that they won’t like me and i’ll be alone with 27 cats and a parot all my life. Isn’t that ironic because if I never show who I really am, then how will anyone get to really know me? How will my relationships be anything more than shallow? It’s impossible. I wish that I could address the lie that has me so scared and so pent up in my own world. The lie that caused the cement in this wall to harden. The thing is that even though it is so instilled in me to be who I think people want me to be, sometimes I get the feeling that I don’t get it right. Sometimes I think that people want me to let loose and be who I really am. But once I’ve started living the lie, how do I stop it? How do I change? It is all so confusing and it's hard to know what I should do.
I wish I knew how to battle this. I wish I could tell myself that I don’t have to pretend anymore, that people out there really do want to see what I have to offer. They want to see me and know me. That thought and fact alone is hard to grasp. It is hard to understand, even thought I know it’s the truth. There are people here who love me and care for me, and want me to be myself in front of them. However, my problem is that I hold back sometimes. Somewhere deep inside of me there is a voice that tells me that I can’t tell a certain person this and an different person that. I can be somewhat open and vulnerable, but different parts with different people. I don’t recall one person that has ever seen me completely let my guard down, and completely let loose and unveil myself to the world. Well maybe a handful of people. There is always some piece of me that I feel the need to hide. Why is the question. Why? Why do I do it? That is a question I need to investigate and think about more closely. I need to understand myself a little better and honestly by writing it all out I feel like, this may help me get closer to doing that. OK, well that is all.
It just happens, there really isn’t much a person can do about it, but that’s how it is. That’s how nature works. But how does one find balance in being open and vulnerable and guarding their heart. I’m fearful that people won’t accept who I really am. I’m afraid that they won’t like me and i’ll be alone with 27 cats and a parot all my life. Isn’t that ironic because if I never show who I really am, then how will anyone get to really know me? How will my relationships be anything more than shallow? It’s impossible. I wish that I could address the lie that has me so scared and so pent up in my own world. The lie that caused the cement in this wall to harden. The thing is that even though it is so instilled in me to be who I think people want me to be, sometimes I get the feeling that I don’t get it right. Sometimes I think that people want me to let loose and be who I really am. But once I’ve started living the lie, how do I stop it? How do I change? It is all so confusing and it's hard to know what I should do.
I wish I knew how to battle this. I wish I could tell myself that I don’t have to pretend anymore, that people out there really do want to see what I have to offer. They want to see me and know me. That thought and fact alone is hard to grasp. It is hard to understand, even thought I know it’s the truth. There are people here who love me and care for me, and want me to be myself in front of them. However, my problem is that I hold back sometimes. Somewhere deep inside of me there is a voice that tells me that I can’t tell a certain person this and an different person that. I can be somewhat open and vulnerable, but different parts with different people. I don’t recall one person that has ever seen me completely let my guard down, and completely let loose and unveil myself to the world. Well maybe a handful of people. There is always some piece of me that I feel the need to hide. Why is the question. Why? Why do I do it? That is a question I need to investigate and think about more closely. I need to understand myself a little better and honestly by writing it all out I feel like, this may help me get closer to doing that. OK, well that is all.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
The More Things Change
They stay the same. Or at least, that’s how the saying goes. I’ve gone through a bit of a transformation through these past couple of years going from the quiet girl to the kid everybody (well almost everybody)knew in school and then going back to the quiet kid; suffice it to say, both roles has it’s advantages and disadvantages. But through these past couple of months, I’ve found myself knowing which way I needed to turn and where I needed to steer myself to accomplish the goals that I set for myself.
Yet, I find myself in the same situation which drew me into wanting to become this new and improved person. I've noticed on this journey that I gained and lost friends, matured a little, grew 3 inches and gained 6 whole freakin' pounds! (YAY!!!) Yet as my morale compass turns to what it once was, I find myself with a handful REAL friends. The people of whom I count as my real friends could probably be counted on a pair of hands. And those friends I only get to spend time a little quality time with (and school doesn't count!)I was wondering what’s the point of having an invisible/imaginary friend? They can't help you if you got hit by a bus! What are they going to do? Give you a invisible band-aid?
I wonder if it was a fairy tale, about there actually being people out there whom you can depend, trust and love unconditionally. And even some members of my family bring that sentiment into doubt.
I love my fellow friends, through thick and thin, but it can be really depressing facing the reality of everybody adapting such a cold shoulder to one another, for the fun of bumping into each other, on purpose. Anyway,one long, confusing metaphor done, and so is my rant for this week!
Yet, I find myself in the same situation which drew me into wanting to become this new and improved person. I've noticed on this journey that I gained and lost friends, matured a little, grew 3 inches and gained 6 whole freakin' pounds! (YAY!!!) Yet as my morale compass turns to what it once was, I find myself with a handful REAL friends. The people of whom I count as my real friends could probably be counted on a pair of hands. And those friends I only get to spend time a little quality time with (and school doesn't count!)I was wondering what’s the point of having an invisible/imaginary friend? They can't help you if you got hit by a bus! What are they going to do? Give you a invisible band-aid?
I wonder if it was a fairy tale, about there actually being people out there whom you can depend, trust and love unconditionally. And even some members of my family bring that sentiment into doubt.
I love my fellow friends, through thick and thin, but it can be really depressing facing the reality of everybody adapting such a cold shoulder to one another, for the fun of bumping into each other, on purpose. Anyway,one long, confusing metaphor done, and so is my rant for this week!
Friday, March 27, 2009
"Jammed"
I think it’s amazing how much a person can impact our lives and not even be aware of it. I think it must be the best feeling in the world to know that you’ve been such an inspiration to someone, that you made a difference. Or how the most insignificant of moments are stored in the deepest compartments and chest of memories, probably forever. Like this time I was in preschool and we were having our "teabreak". The teacher was circulating each table with a tray of jam sandwiches. I remember the sandwiches looking really good what with the jam oozing from the sides and I helped myself to a piece. It tasted pretty bland. The bread wasn’t as soft as I imagined it to be, jam not the right amount of sweet. When the teacher came the second time round and offered me another piece; I took it. Till today I dunno why I did because I had the hardest time trying to finish that second piece.
It’s silly, really but perhaps a lesson in disguise? Like how I shouldn’t judge something just by its looks. Or that greed is bad but, I know these things. Maybe I was afraid of upsetting her. Helping others at the expense of yourself is noble and all that jazz but, sometimes when I look back I ask myself if it was worth it. Maybe this is telling me to stop dwelling on the past. I can’t help but wish I could relive those carefree and conflict-free moments when my inbox used to be filled to the brim with texts from the closest of friends, and there were phone calls at the strangest of times for the longest time. I miss the familiar. This is familiar but it’s a new kind of familiar.
Truth is that things change, people change. Isn’t that such a horrible word.? Change. . I was once told that friends are forever but really, I don’t think anything is anymore. Cause that’s just too vague a word.
And I guess maybe what this is trying say is that I look into things way too much. I mean, it was just a jam sandwich for gosh sakes!!!
It’s silly, really but perhaps a lesson in disguise? Like how I shouldn’t judge something just by its looks. Or that greed is bad but, I know these things. Maybe I was afraid of upsetting her. Helping others at the expense of yourself is noble and all that jazz but, sometimes when I look back I ask myself if it was worth it. Maybe this is telling me to stop dwelling on the past. I can’t help but wish I could relive those carefree and conflict-free moments when my inbox used to be filled to the brim with texts from the closest of friends, and there were phone calls at the strangest of times for the longest time. I miss the familiar. This is familiar but it’s a new kind of familiar.
Truth is that things change, people change. Isn’t that such a horrible word.? Change. . I was once told that friends are forever but really, I don’t think anything is anymore. Cause that’s just too vague a word.
And I guess maybe what this is trying say is that I look into things way too much. I mean, it was just a jam sandwich for gosh sakes!!!
Rainy Days
I hate rain. As a kid, I thought it was freakin’ awesome. I have no idea why. I like gloomy, gray skies. But rain can suck it. Especially on a day when I have school, and it rains super hard. Then my bag/backpack gets wet, which makes the content inside it wet. It would just ruin my day if anything I was carrying around got wet. I use everything I carry. If I wanted something to get wet, I would shower with it. Then there’s always that unavoidable puddle I have to step on in order to get where I’m going. There are a few that I can get away with stepping on and the result not being so bad. Then there are those that look like they’re okay puddles, but then you step on them and BAM! You can feel the water in your socks, moving around between your toes. So nasty. If this happens in the morning, you’re pretty much stuck with wet, squeaky shoes the rest of the day. Such an uncomfortable feeling. And the way it smells inside the bus when people are soaking wet, or at least have wet hair or sweaters from the rain… EW. If I don’t have an umbrella on me, I can guarantee that my hair will get wet and frizzy too. I hate that soooo much! It’s annoying. Takes me so long to unfrizz my hair sometimes, and then it just gets ruined by the stupid rain. Well, that is my rant for today. Thank you.
Some Days
Life just seems to be moving forward, at such a slow, yet quick pace, without me - in a direction I hadn’t ever envisioned.
I’m not sad though, don’t get me wrong…I’ve just been thinking.
My mind is always going…over and over about the things that were or could have been. The places I’ve been or could have gone. The things I’ve done, or had the oppurtunity to do. The things I’ve said, or didn’t say. All these scenarios, all these choices - good and bad, happy and sad, painful yet needed (or so I thought at the time). One by one, they invade my mind - constant thoughts of the past still haunting my every being, in this present time.
If you knew me before, you’d see the growth. I am not at all the same person I was years ago. I’d like to say I’ve matured - learned to take things in stride, living each day as it happened.
But sometimes…just sometimes…like some horrible case of deja-vu, I feel like that scared little girl all over again - so afraid of the unknown - so afraid of what lies ahead. I know that nothing is guaranteed. Life is definitely what you make it. Its not about making the right choices - instead its about sometimes making the wrong choices, then learning from each one for future reference.
I guess I just don’t know what’s out there for me. I want to make my place in this world doing the only thing that’s ever made sense to me. I’m not getting any younger. I know ill have to make due with the hand that I’ve been dealt. The choices I’ve made have definitely played a huge part into where I am today. Life goes on…whether I want to put it on hold, or not. Things happen that sometimes we have no control over. But I just try to remember that although we cannot control what happens, we can always control what to do with the situation presented.
I need a muse - some sort of inspiration, but I don’t want to search. Inspiration is best when its unexpected.
I’m not complaining though. I’m just saying…there is a story of struggle behind every success story..and mine will definitely be one hell of a story to tell.
Even if everything I write never gets acknowledged…I don’t think that what I want is about that. I write because its my way of releasing and escaping, the best way I know that provides me with the most serenity. For all I know, there are always the same 2 or 3 people who even care to read what I write. And that’s fine. So long as 1, just ONE person can take something…anything…from what I’m writing.
I want to surround myself with people who are passionate - who can hopefully inspire me with their drive and ambitions.
For now, ill take each day with a grain of salt…little by little…in baby steps.
Good things come to those who wait.And my time is definitely coming.
I’m not sad though, don’t get me wrong…I’ve just been thinking.
My mind is always going…over and over about the things that were or could have been. The places I’ve been or could have gone. The things I’ve done, or had the oppurtunity to do. The things I’ve said, or didn’t say. All these scenarios, all these choices - good and bad, happy and sad, painful yet needed (or so I thought at the time). One by one, they invade my mind - constant thoughts of the past still haunting my every being, in this present time.
If you knew me before, you’d see the growth. I am not at all the same person I was years ago. I’d like to say I’ve matured - learned to take things in stride, living each day as it happened.
But sometimes…just sometimes…like some horrible case of deja-vu, I feel like that scared little girl all over again - so afraid of the unknown - so afraid of what lies ahead. I know that nothing is guaranteed. Life is definitely what you make it. Its not about making the right choices - instead its about sometimes making the wrong choices, then learning from each one for future reference.
I guess I just don’t know what’s out there for me. I want to make my place in this world doing the only thing that’s ever made sense to me. I’m not getting any younger. I know ill have to make due with the hand that I’ve been dealt. The choices I’ve made have definitely played a huge part into where I am today. Life goes on…whether I want to put it on hold, or not. Things happen that sometimes we have no control over. But I just try to remember that although we cannot control what happens, we can always control what to do with the situation presented.
I need a muse - some sort of inspiration, but I don’t want to search. Inspiration is best when its unexpected.
I’m not complaining though. I’m just saying…there is a story of struggle behind every success story..and mine will definitely be one hell of a story to tell.
Even if everything I write never gets acknowledged…I don’t think that what I want is about that. I write because its my way of releasing and escaping, the best way I know that provides me with the most serenity. For all I know, there are always the same 2 or 3 people who even care to read what I write. And that’s fine. So long as 1, just ONE person can take something…anything…from what I’m writing.
I want to surround myself with people who are passionate - who can hopefully inspire me with their drive and ambitions.
For now, ill take each day with a grain of salt…little by little…in baby steps.
Good things come to those who wait.And my time is definitely coming.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
My Apology
How do I tell you I'm sorry
-With a gesture, a look, a touch?
How is it I never realized,I hurt you so very much?
I do not ask forgiveness
A comfort I'll never deserve.I merely want to let you know,but I cannot find the nerve.
To finally confront you, face-to-face,to look you in the eye,to face your wrath,
Too terrified to try.
You called me selfish, I turned away,I festered and I fled
Cutting and wounding and lashing out,just to see if you bled.
Betraying and deceiving you,I surely had no right to snatch away such, a precious gem like a thief in the night.
Four years and forever passed,to bring us to this day.
When I present these simple words I never thought to say.
The time has come, it's long past due.
To put aside my fear;Would this confession torture you,or have you longed to hear?
To hear those two forbidden words,
To vanquish all the pain,
To understand my dearest wish:
To know you once again.
The years aged me remarkably,
Though they have not made me very wise.... For that I APOLOGIZE!!!
-With a gesture, a look, a touch?
How is it I never realized,I hurt you so very much?
I do not ask forgiveness
A comfort I'll never deserve.I merely want to let you know,but I cannot find the nerve.
To finally confront you, face-to-face,to look you in the eye,to face your wrath,
Too terrified to try.
You called me selfish, I turned away,I festered and I fled
Cutting and wounding and lashing out,just to see if you bled.
Betraying and deceiving you,I surely had no right to snatch away such, a precious gem like a thief in the night.
Four years and forever passed,to bring us to this day.
When I present these simple words I never thought to say.
The time has come, it's long past due.
To put aside my fear;Would this confession torture you,or have you longed to hear?
To hear those two forbidden words,
To vanquish all the pain,
To understand my dearest wish:
To know you once again.
The years aged me remarkably,
Though they have not made me very wise.... For that I APOLOGIZE!!!
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